I was still in elementary school the summer I learned what it felt like to be judged unfairly. My parents had signed me up for two sessions of day camp and it was the first day of the second session – new group of kids, new camp counselors. I was somewhat shy at that age, maybe less shy than hesitant, one of those kids who stands on the sidelines waiting to make sure I understood the rules of a game before joining in. But that first day of that second camp session I felt good. The previous session had been really fun; for some reason I had been a favorite of the counselors, not in a teacher’s pet kind of way, but in a nice, little sister kind of way. But something happened on that first day of session number two; I honestly don’t know what it was. It’s not that I’ve forgotten – I never knew. And that’s what was so awful about it – for some reason at that second camp session, my counselor didn’t like me. It wasn’t that he did or said anything specific to me that I can recall, but I knew in the way you always know about these things that my counselor, and I was pretty sure the others too, didn’t like me and because I didn’t know why, and because I was a little kid and they were adults, there wasn’t anything I could do about it.
In hindsight I probably didn’t do anything or at least anything overtly, horribly wrong. I was for the most part a good kid, a bit of a smart-ass on occasion, but never malicious. But that didn’t matter, all that mattered was the perception that the counselors had of me. Because something about me, combined with something about that counselor, led him to make an assumption about who I was.
We’re all guilty of it – making snap judgments based on assumptions. And I think it’s a natural part of the biology of who we are. Coming upon a large animal, we have to react quickly – our mind takes in the details, large fangs, razor sharp claws – and processes the information to get to a quick directive of run! But when that process involves us late at night on a dark street in a dodgy part of town looking at a person with a different skin color, different clothes, an “otherness” that makes us somehow uncomfortable, afraid even, then it gets a bit murkier. Are we reacting to “good” information or “bad?”
We can forgive the primitive part of ourselves for the inclination to make quick judgments, we can also welcome these judgments because they were, and sometimes still are, essential to our survival. Then the question becomes – what do we do next?
What’s your prejudice, your “ism” – racism, ageism, sexism, elitism, ethnocentrism, anti-Semitism? And what “isms” have you been on the receiving end of? A friend recently forwarded one of those mass emails, this one involving anti-immigration sentiments – “press one for English, press two to disconnect until you learn to speak English” and I brought it up to her telling her that I found it offensive. In her response she was chagrined, noting that she of all people should have known better, her parents didn’t speak English when they came to this country. How quickly and how eagerly we welcome moving out of the “other” category and forgetting what it was like to be the one being judged. I certainly have my own isms, my biggest involving intellectual elitism. And I find myself more often that I care to admit, making assumptions about people’s intelligence when English isn’t their first language, and isn’t flawless.
So what are we to do with it? Well, I’d love to have an answer for that, but everything I think of seems pat and cliché. “Acknowledge our similarities.” “Celebrate our differences.” “Take a moment before making an assumption based on a first impression.”
Where to go from here? I haven’t the foggiest.
Any ideas?
{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }
As a daughter of first & second generation immigrants, and a mixed couple, (my father white & Jewish from Eastern Europe and my mother white Hispanic & Catholic), I know firsthand how it feels to be judged, feeling different all my life. I get the same reaction from everyone I meet when they find out I’m a Jewish/Puerto Rican. I’m sure all the stereo types come flashing into their heads, stingy, cheap, drunk, lazy… while they try to synthesize who I am, who they’ve come to know with my heritage and all those awful things which pop into their heads.
People forget that as “Americans”, we are the foreigners on this continent. ALL of us are. Sure, some people came to explore and claim property, looking for riches, freedom of religion, freedom from persecution, etc. But again WE are ALL foreigners on this soil. As every group of immigrants touched this continent, they had to endure the “isms” and so one should think long and hard before reacting to the new group. The new kids on the block should feel welcome in our communities, no strings attached. Because even in our community, each person is judged as an individual, as well as part of a distinctive “group” i.e. the Jamaicans, the Hispanics, the Christians and the most recent culture of interest, the Muslims, just to name a few.
Yes, we all find it easy to persecute or judge these “unknown,” “strange” and otherwise intimidating peoples. Because as u mentioned, FEAR, is a very powerful instinctual response to things that are unknown or misunderstood by each of us. Think about living in their shoes for a day, they may be more afraid than we are, after all some of us have been here for generations and feel superior, even entitled to treat (strangers) immigrants, as warriors, trying to take what we call our hard work, jobs, social benefits, etc.
What to do? Apologize, remember, stand corrected, open your hearts, listen & learn, teach acceptance & tolerance. I imagine there are many other ideas out there.
So, what to do? I don’t know more than any other, so I’ll try to remember, not to laugh or joke at someone else’s expense. But sometimes we laugh at ourselves. I believe we have to, at least I do. So please try not to judge me so harshly, after all there are jokes about fat people, blondes, Irishman, people from all walks of life. So the next time u see or hear a bad or offensive joke- don’t laugh. Share your thoughts and agree to disagree, after all we’re ALL human (with many flaws)
So,
Pay it forward….
Brenda, this is quite lovely and brave of you to post. We all need our reminders that we are all on this planet together and that it is hard sometimes and wonderful sometimes and that the best we can do is to follow the golden rule and love each other.